What kinds of conversations are you having with your children about the recent violence this past year? Whether it’s a drive-by shooting, a natural disaster, or a mass shooting, it’s hard for people to make sense of events that end in violence. In the media, at school and at home, children are encouraged to “talk it out,” to resolve their differences and work through a solution. Kindergarteners in particular are encouraged to be kind to their “friends,” and that all in the class are worthy of this special relationship. How do we speak to children, young children in particular, about when problems end in ways that are unspeakable, yet seem to be happening more often than we would like?
One of the first things to keep in mind is to remember that when bad things happen and kids don’t get any explanation, they “fill in the blanks” with answers of their own. Young children engage in magical thinking, may engage their curious imagination, and often look at things from an ego-centric point of view. All of which are developmentally appropriate. Therefore, one recommendation from experts is to give an explanation, albeit, a brief, but developmentally appropriate explanation. Here are some things to keep in mind:
- If you live in a two-parent household, or have a great support system, please identify who the key person will be to have this discussion with your child. Of course, it’s important that the family be a team together, having one person take the lead may be a good idea, especially if you are negatively affected in one way or another (victim, conflicted about the issue, emotionally compromised, etc).
- If this isn’t possible, that’s ok, but please take a moment and ground yourself. I hear so much in my practice, how parents wish their children found out difficult news in a better way. So, take a minute, breathe, and get to a place where you feel you can deliver the news that will minimize undue stress on your children; even if you only have a few minutes to do so.
- Give a simple response and don’t feel you need to respond to all questions. There is so much uncertainty, a simple “I know it’s scary, but please know I will do my best to keep you safe,” will suffice.
- Connect with your child’s emotion-sometimes kids can only connect through fear or anger, so one way to help is to hear him/her out, and later, direct them to a positive outcome. This is not a simple look at the silver lining, it is connecting with your child and helping them to realize that uniting as a community to support one another is something that holds value, no matter if it doesn’t bring back loved ones lost in a tragedy.
- Get motivated! How many stories out there focus on mobilization to make change? Think of Malala Yousafzai, Rosa Parks, or the brave officers in the recent San Bernardino shootings. Relay the message that there are people out there that will help, and that children no matter how small can also help. How about making blankets for victims? A lemonade stand for those in need, donations for families after a tornado? Nothing promotes hope more than knowing that children can also be empowered to promote change in a positive way.
- Lastly, hug your child. Life is uncertain at every turn, but the more we as parents focus on what is positive now, the better our children can learn to keep moving forward and that regardless of what’s happening outside their environment, they have a safe place at home, with you.
Have any questions or comments? Please feel free to share below! Happy parenting!
